To be a bit more personal than usual, I need to let something out.
I'm trying to figure out how to break some awkward news to someone I care deeply for. I have been with my man for about a year and a half now. The night before New Years eve his house got broken into. He is away from town regularly for a few weeks at a time which leaves his place empty. At the time I really felt for him and thought maybe it could be good security for us both to have me living there. I have not lived with a partner for over 15 years.
Now I have been here near 6 months and finding it all getting me a little .... restless and down.
I go to bed earlier and rise earlier. I don't mind this. I do mind having to spend the first few hours of every day in silence and unable to really get motivated until much later because he prefers to sleep in wants to sleep and I respect this. He is not a slacker. He owns 2 properties and works for himself as a miner so he does not have to be up at a sparrows fart like my body clock (and job often) requires me to be.
I dont really like his hard mattress. The last few nights I returned to my bed which is set up in a spare room because I have been having trouble sleeping with my back. At best Im a restless sleeper at best and this disturbs him greatly as he is a peaceful sleeper and I ruin that for him. I am at large unaware of my active sleeping until its pointed out, but am not unaware of it totally. Upon returning to my own bed I realise how much I miss it and have had the best sleeps in it. My back is getting a bit better and feel if I dont return to sleeping in his bed he may get the wrong idea. None of my feelings for him have changed, I just prefer my own bed to his and know he sleeps better also without me. I don''t take that personally knowing I can't seem to stay still in bed and overheat a lot. I know it's not easy for someone who isn't a hell deep sleeper to get a good nights rest with me next to them.
How do you create a comfortable physical distance without creating an emotional one?
I like to turn the music on early to get into the day. I can never do this when he's here. After my few hours of passing silence as best I can he likes to turn on the news as soon as he gets up. I don't begrudge his interest in the world but it starts with one news channel and then all the rest and it goes on all day. bad news, politicians lying, people being murdered, scammers here, rapist and peadophiles there. I just cant handle being overdosed with bad news. It's draining and uninspiring to me, but there is no escape here for me. Sure I can go into another room but I am still quite restricted in what I can do as I would have always been able to.
Sharing is like that I know, its about compromise.
It is his home. I cant just get up and rearrange it as I wish. I like change in my home at times. I like putting my furniture in different places now and then. Here I can rearrange some things but there are some things that have to remain the same. I too respect this of his home, but am not ready to see my surroundings stay relatively the same for the rest of my life.
In not being able to arrange things as I like, I am unable to set up an office space for the business Im running. I share a small space. I have mentioned that it would be good to move my computer away from where it is and find a more comfortable spot and while he hasn't exactly said no to me moving it to another place, but his voice never seems to put it across in a way that I don't detect some kind of issue and there is always something that gets met with a "too hard basket" sigh so I don't push it. It's not worth trading the peace we do have just to have my own way. So my office is dis organised, half above ground, half underground, half outside. I'm not quite earning enough to just rent an office for the business so where ever I operate that from I have to be able to live.
I just cant seem to find "my vibe" here in his home. I like to be creative. Sometimes with that creativity comes an area where there are days of mess. I may like to try sewing something and have cotton, fabric and beads all over a room. I may have a table of nail art supplies set up for a couple of days. I may have rooms at times in a shambles as Im creating. There is nowhere here I can do that without it eventually being a pain in the ass here. I like writing but there is just no good spot to sit with myself to do so. I don't know how to be creative in an environment I'm restricted in.
Sometimes I like to do a lot and this seems to be a bit of a drain on his preference for a quiet routine. I know I overwhelm him at times with this and that unintentionally. I like things open, doors, curtains, windows ... he prefers things shut. He prefers the cold, I need the warmth of a heater which means he can't be comfortable if I am and visa versa.
I don't in any way even wish him to change. He is a good man overall and I love him just the way he is but I cant help thinking the actual reasons for me moving in here were not thought out long enough or spoken about enough before taking the step. It was all with good intentions but not the right reasons. I don't think either of us are really ready or wanting to compromise our home space that much. In ways we both have a selfishness that we have grown accustomed, and possibly even a liking to in ways from living alone so long. I don't want to end it with him in any way. We don't fight and get along quite well mostly, but I also don't express when things bother me out of respect that this is not my place, it's his. He likes things some things as he does and that is perfectly ok.
I do fear bringing up the subject because I don't want him to think by wanting to move back on my own that I want to end it with him. He is a sensitive guy also. I love spending times with him. I just don't know how to approach this. It's kind of a I need my space, and personally thinking he also needs his after also living on his own for many more years than me, but I don't in any way want to appear to be shutting him out.
Sorry to share my first world problems with you all. I've just been a tad isolated and needed to get it off my chest as I'm working my way through it.
I will work it out.
Until then keep smiling and thanks for listening. Now the sun is up and its warming up a tad I might go for a potter in the garden.
Heres some pics I got a few weeks back. I have since raised tomatoes and we replanted them into the garden bed along with some brocoli and oregano seedlings I bought. Also have rosemary, thyme, parsley and mint going in other areas. Im quite enjoying the new green thumb I have discovered since moving into the desert.